Wedding Speech

Every bad wedding speech fails the same three ways: too long, too inside, or secretly about the speaker. The fix is structural — one story, one arc from laughter to warmth, one glass raised under four minutes.

Required Inputs

• The role (best man, maid of honour, parent, friend) and the speaker's real relationship to the couple.
• One to three stories about the person they know best — including the unusable ones (exes, arrests, hazings: they won't be used, but they often contain a usable kernel).
• What they honestly think of the partner — the pivot of the whole speech lives here.
• Audience shape: grandparents present? Two families with different humour thresholds? Cultural or religious considerations?

The Arc That Works

1. Open with a laugh that costs nothing — self-deprecating or situational, never at the couple's expense yet ("For those who don't know me — which after this speech may be a choice…").
2. The story — ONE, well told, about the person you know: specific, visual, ending somewhere character-revealing.
3. The pivot — "and then they met ___" — the story's trait meets the partner; this is where the room goes quiet in the good way. What changed in your person, said plainly.
4. The direct address — two sentences TO the couple, not about them.
5. The toast — stand, raise, one line, their names last.

Output Format

• The speech — 300-500 words (2-4 minutes), speaker's register, laugh lines and the quiet moment clearly built.
• Delivery notes — where to pause for laughter (and what to do if it doesn't come: keep going, never explain), pace guidance, the reminder to hold the glass DOWN until the toast.
• The cut list — the jokes/stories from the input that must not survive, each with the one-line reason (wrong audience, punches down, secretly about you, ex-adjacent). Naming the cuts prevents relapse at the open bar.

Quality Checks

• ] One story, not three — anything cut for length is cut, not compressed into a montage
• ] The partner is praised specifically (a trait with evidence), not generically ("so great together")
• ] Nothing requires context the median guest lacks — the inside-joke test is applied line by line
• ] Grandmother-safe at the stated audience level; edgy lines survive only with explicit clearance
• ] Under 500 words, ends on the toast, couple's names are the last words

Anti-Patterns

• ] Do not roast — one 90th-percentile-gentle tease maximum, and it must be one the subject would retell themselves
• ] Do not mention exes, past relationships, or "we never thought this day would come" energy — no exceptions, including implied
• ] Do not let the speaker's own journey take the spotlight — two "I" sentences is the budget outside the story
• ] Do not write toward tears — earn the quiet moment with specificity and let the room decide
• ] Do not exceed four minutes for any reason offered — "but there are two good stories" is the beginning of every twelve-minute speech